TGIF

*yeah*

I am so glad that it is Friday. I am exhausted at the moment. Just concluded a three hour staff meeting. I was "up" for agitation. Meaning that the group reads my report and then probes, pushes and kicks my ass about my work. Joy. I was told that it is clear that I avoid committing to one plan because life has screwed me so many times--that it is easier for me not to committ becasue in my mind, I think, I'm just gonna get my heart broken and things taken away in the long run. That made me sad. And made tears start running down my face.

So, I confessed today that I am confused about what path I should take professionally, and that I resit committing to one specific plan. I think they all knew that I behave this way, but still I SAID IT OUT LOUD. It didn't feel great. I hate being confused and I want to *do the right* thing. I just wish it was clear what the right thing actually was.

I have a "retreat " in Virgina Beach next week-Tuesday through Thursday. I usually look forward to these events but at the moment I don't wat to go. I want to run away from making any work decisions. However, then I just do half ass stuff.

I do want to be important and do great things in the world. I know that I have talents that make other people envious. BUT what good does all of this mean if I don't know what I want???

I am going to apply for the Executive Director position. See if they want me to run their organization. I think it beats me staying here and avoiding making any deicisions.

So, at the moment I listen to Dar Williams, "When I was a Boy." And wishing that I could go back to being a small person. And ride my bike with no shirt on.

But, I'll settle for for comfort food tonight and football tomorrow. And I will figure my life out.